How to break the high conflict

High conflict, though initially appearing as a desire to end disputes, paradoxically draws individuals in, creating an "us vs. them" mindset and causing them to harm the very things they sought to protect. Breaking this cycle requires understanding and applying techniques like "looping," which involves active listening and genuine attempts to understand the other party, ultimately revealing the conflict's "understory." Building rapport and practicing these skills in low-stakes environments can prepare individuals for high-stress situations. While high conflict offers short-term motivators, it is ultimately unsustainable and detrimental, whereas "good conflict" fosters healthier, more effective resolution by encouraging cooperation and understanding without necessarily requiring agreement.

The Paradox of High Conflict #

• Definition: High conflict escalates to a point where conflict exists for its own sake, leading to an "us versus them," all-or-nothing mindset.
• Harmful Outcomes: Eventually harms the very goal or entity one intended to protect (e.g., family, country).
• Magnetic Nature: Like a "spell," high conflict is hard to resist; people become engrossed, thinking about it constantly and repeating arguments.
• Dual Desire: Individuals in high conflict simultaneously desire to escape it and remain engaged.
• Susceptibility: Humans are highly susceptible to high conflict, especially in low-trust environments.
• Examples: Seen in high-conflict divorces, politics, and gang warfare.

The Importance of Feeling Heard #

• Low Frequencies of Being Heard: According to Graham Boyd, people feel heard only about 5% of the time, highlighting a communication breakdown.
• Impact of Feeling Heard: When people feel heard, they share more revealing, nuanced, and vulnerable information.
• Revealing the "Understory": Deep listening helps uncover the "understory" – what people are truly fighting about beneath superficial arguments.
• Consequences of Not Feeling Heard: When people don't feel heard, their communication becomes more extreme, simplified, and louder, moving further from the core issue.

The "Tar Pit" Analogy of High Conflict #

• The La Brea Tar Pits: An analogy explaining how individuals are naturally drawn into seemingly peaceful situations (like animals to the tar pit) that ultimately trap them.
• Immobilization: Once immersed, it's difficult to escape; the more one struggles, the more stuck they become.
• Counterintuitive Solutions: Intuitive attempts to escape high conflict often worsen the situation, requiring counterintuitive actions.

Detrimental Effects of High Conflict #

• Chronic Stressor: Leads to chronic stress, affecting sleep and physical health.
• Cognitive Impairment: Reduces peripheral vision (literal and figurative), leading to mistakes about opponents and missed opportunities.
• Physiological Impact: Triggers repeated cortisol injections, impairing memory, lowering immunity, and potentially shortening lifespan.
• Emotional Limitations: Makes curiosity impossible while feeling outraged, leading to poorer decision-making under threat.

Understanding the "Idiot Driver Reflex" (Fundamental Attribution Error) #

• Self-Perception: Individuals attribute their own negative behaviors to situational circumstances (e.g., speeding because running late).
• Other-Perception: Attribute others' negative behaviors to their inherent character (e.g., speeding because they are reckless or mean-spirited).
• Tripwires into Dysfunctional Conflict: This cognitive bias is one of the "tripwires" that lead individuals into high conflict.

Tripwires and Saturation Point #

• Binary Thinking: Believing in an "us versus them" dichotomy, which is a natural human response to uncertainty but destructive in modern diverse societies.
• Saturation Point: A "rock bottom" moment where the cost of conflict is questioned, leading to disorientation and a decision point.
• Curtis Toler's Example: A gang leader who reached a saturation point, questioning his involvement after seeing his son graduate.
• Need for an Exit Strategy: Individuals reaching a saturation point need a supportive environment ("somewhere to go") to transition out of conflict.

Alternative Approaches to Conflict #

• Limited Perceived Options: Often, people see only three options: avoidance, aggression (going to war), or surrender (silence).
• Cultivating "Good Conflict": The speaker advocates for a fourth, healthier approach: intentionally engaging in "good conflict."

Looping: A Deep Listening Technique #

• Purpose: To demonstrate genuine understanding to the other person, even amidst profound disagreement.
• Steps:
  1. Listen: Focus on what is most important to the other person, not oneself (e.g., metaphors, strong words).
  2. Summarize: Play back what was heard in one's own words to check for understanding.
  3. Check for Accuracy: Ask, "Is that right? Am I missing anything?" with genuine curiosity.
• Outcomes:
  • People often elaborate or correct, gradually revealing more of the "understory."
  • Builds trust, as the other person believes you genuinely want to understand them.
  • People will not listen until they feel heard.
  • Leads to physical and emotional relaxation in the other person.
  • Can help individuals recognize things about themselves they hadn't articulated.
• "Skeleton Key to Conflict": Looping is crucial because it unlocks trust and understanding.
• Avoid Common Pitfalls: Resist the urge to ask plot questions, share similar stories, or offer advice before the other person feels fully heard.
• Iterative Process: It's a continuous, back-and-forth process.
• Challenging but Powerful: Demanding intellectually and emotionally, but highly effective.

Revealing the "Understory" with Looping #

• True Motivations: Looping helps identify the core issues beneath superficial arguments (blame, attacks, defensiveness).
• Common Understories: Often revolve around themes of:
  • Power and control
  • Respect and recognition
  • Care and concern
  • Stress and overwhelm
• Example: Dishes fight: A fight about dishes might actually be about respect or care, rather than the chore itself.
• Purpose of Conflict: "Good conflict" helps identify mutual needs and opportunities for resolution, rather than endless, unproductive arguments.
• Real-world Application (Mayor's Example): A mayor used looping with critics in city council meetings, fostering respect even when their demands weren't met.

Practicing Looping #

• Low-Stakes Practice: Essential to practice looping in low-stakes environments (e.g., with children, roommates, colleagues).
• Builds Muscle Memory: Regular practice makes it an automatic "muscle memory" skill for high-stress situations.
• Personal Anecdote: The speaker used looping effectively during a public Q&A session with an angry critic, defusing the situation by validating his feelings.

Maintaining "Good Conflict" #

• NASA's Approach: Astronauts and ground control consciously maintain healthy conflict to ensure mission success.
• Positive Interactions (Magic Ratio): John and Julie Gottman's research suggests a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions for healthy relationships (applies to marriages, strangers, and professional settings).
• Building Rapport: In crisis situations, quickly building rapport (even if not a full relationship) is vital.
• Short-term vs. Long-term Effectiveness: High conflict generates short-term energy and loyalty but cannot achieve lasting change.
• Unsustainability: High conflict eventually turns on its practitioners; you can't solve "us versus them" with a new "us versus them."
• Requirement for Cooperation: Global challenges (climate change, pandemics) necessitate cooperation, not conflict that demonizes opponents.
• Goal: Stay in "good conflict" to be more effective, make fewer mistakes, and maintain personal well-being.