The Problem with Talking During a Child's Tantrum #
- When a child has a tantrum, their emotional brain (amygdala) is activated, signaling a threat, regardless of the actual severity (e.g., wrong colored cup).
- Their brain enters a "survival mode," triggering fight, flight, or freeze responses.
- In this survival state, the prefrontal cortex (thinking part of the brain responsible for language and reasoning) temporarily goes offline.
- This makes it nearly impossible for the child to understand or process language and reasoning.
- Adult bodies and voices (e.g., standing over them, moving arms, intense facial expressions) can be perceived as further threats by the child's survival brain, escalating the tantrum.
- Talking can inadvertently prolong a tantrum that might have otherwise lasted only a few minutes.
The Importance of Showing Safety and Calm Presence #
- During a tantrum, a child needs to feel safe for their thinking brain to come back online.
- Safety is conveyed through actions and a calm presence, not words.
- The speaker provides a personal example:
- Child was screaming over a toy.
- Instead of talking, the speaker picked the child up, carried her to her room, and laid her on the floor.
- When the child showed discomfort with the speaker's presence, the speaker moved slightly out of sight while staying in the room, saying, "I'm here."
- The speaker remained quiet, avoiding lecturing or using common phrases like "Use your words" or "Calm down," as these are often ineffective.
- Once the child showed signs of settling (less intense crying, stopped rolling), the speaker moved back into sight but remained silent, letting "calm presence do the talking."
- After about 30 seconds, when the child looked up, the speaker offered a cuddle, which the child accepted.
- Only once the child was fully calm and making eye contact did the speaker talk about the situation.
Addressing Public Tantrums #
- A child's brain functions the same way in public as at home during a tantrum.
- Option 1 (if time allows and you're comfortable):
- Move the child to a quieter area, like an empty aisle.
- If not possible, create a "bubble of calm" where you are.
- Get down to their level, minimize movements, and keep your face relaxed.
- Say "I'm here" and focus on being a steady, calm presence.
- Wait for signs of their thinking brain returning before talking.
- Option 2 (Exit Strategy when in a time crunch):
- Acknowledge their feeling (e.g., "You're upset because you can't get the toy. I get it.").
- Give a simple choice about leaving (e.g., "We need to leave now. Would you like to hold my hand or should I carry you?").
- This contradicts the "don't talk" advice but can prevent escalation and provide a sense of control.
- If they don't choose, pick them up and leave.
- The goal is to get through the moment, which is completely acceptable.
Related Parenting Challenges: Whining #
- Whining is a normal child behavior, similar to tantrums.
- The video suggests watching a follow-up video for how to respond to whining effectively to reduce its frequency and intensity.
Summary #
This video emphasizes that during a child's tantrum, talking and reasoning are ineffective because their prefrontal cortex, which processes language, is temporarily offline due to the brain entering a "survival mode." Instead, parents should cease talking and focus on conveying safety through calm actions and a steady physical presence. The speaker illustrates this with a personal anecdote, demonstrating how quiet presence allows the child's thinking brain to come back online before any discussion can occur. For public tantrums, the advice is to create a "bubble of calm" or, if time is short, acknowledge feelings and offer a simple choice to facilitate an exit, even if it means picking the child up and leaving. The video concludes by mentioning whining as another common challenge, advising viewers to watch a separate video for guidance on that topic.