Child Clinginess: Four Common Mistakes
Mistake 1: Interrupting Independent Play
- When your child is absorbed in independent play, avoid talking to them or commenting on their activity.
- Interrupting them, even with praise or connection, shifts their focus from their play to you.
- This teaches them your attention is more valuable than their independent activity, contributing to clinginess.
- Solution: Watch silently and wait for your child to naturally look up at you, indicating they are seeking interaction. Only then acknowledge their play or ask questions.
Mistake 2: Praising the Outcome Instead of Effort
- Avoid generic praise like "Good job," "You're so smart," or "That's amazing," especially when focused on the end result.
- This type of praise makes children dependent on external approval, causing them to seek constant validation and avoid challenges.
- They may perform tasks solely for your praise and fear failure, limiting their exploration and willingness to try new things.
- Solution: Praise their effort and the process involved, e.g., "You didn't give up even when that puzzle piece was tricky" or "I saw you really concentrating on that drawing." This builds self-reliance and encourages problem-solving.
- Resource: A free guide is available that covers 8 parenting phrases to rethink and what to say instead, including these ones.
Mistake 3: Not Creating a "Yes Space"
- An environment with many "no-go" zones or breakable items forces constant supervision and limits a child's safe exploration.
- Constantly telling a child "Don't touch that" or "No" teaches them they need your permission for everything, leading to clinginess.
- Solution: Create a "yes space" – a childproofed area where your toddler can explore freely and safely without constant supervision. This builds confidence and encourages independent play.
Mistake 4: Immediately "Swooping In" to Solve Problems
- Our natural instinct is to fix things immediately when our toddler struggles (e.g., putting on a shirt, building a tower).
- This sends the message "I don't believe you can handle this" and "You need me to solve it for you," hindering problem-solving skills and independence.
- Children learn to wait for parental intervention rather than persevering through challenges, fostering clinginess.
- Solution: Wait for your child to ask for help before intervening. When guiding them, help them problem-solve rather than taking over completely. For example, instead of putting on a shirt for them, guide them step-by-step or ask "What should you try first?"
- This approach teaches resilience and builds confidence, leading to a more independent child.
- Note: When you stop swooping in, expect potential frustration or escalation from the child, which is a natural part of their learning process.
- Further discussion: The video suggests that repeatedly acknowledging a child's feelings during tantrums might unintentionally escalate them, with another video linked for more information on this topic.
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